Sunday, October 01, 2006

Self Destructive

When I was 6 years old, my mother took me and my sisters to see The Nutcracker in Chicago. We were in the first row, mezzanine. They were really good seats. Before the show started, I sat there, willing myself to stay in my seat as I fantasized about hurling myself from the mezzanine onto the ground floor below.

I didn't want to die; I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. All I know is I had these urges that I had to fight to keep under control.

Even at that young age, I sabotaged myself in other ways. I kept my room and my desk at school unbearably messy. I hated it; it made me anxious, insecure and generally unhappy. Was I punishing myself? Why? I don't know the answer to these questions.

These are the earliest examples of feelings I still struggle with today. Just a couple weeks ago, while I was shopping by myself downtown and a freight train rumbled by in front of me as I waited to cross the tracks, I fought the compulsion to throw myself into the train. I don't know why. I'm not miserable, I don't want to die. yet here are the feelings.

Also, I deliberately ate chicken I knew to be undercooked. I still am awaiting the results of that. I remember thinking, "Good, I hope I get sick." Why?

Any progress I make is made by dragging myself kicking and screaming. I eat junk. I don't even allow myself to taste it; I just shove it down my throat. I'm punishing myself, but I don't know why.

I need to make another doctor's appointment.


Blogger miss kendra said...

when i drive on a bridge or somewhere near a wall i always pay close attention to the places that would be best to drive off of.

and i overeat, and allow my cat to scratch and bite me.

12:55 PM  
Blogger Sis B said...

i thought i was the only one who did that and i've worried about myself endlessly for it--whenever i stand on a curb and traffic is whizzing by, i want to jump out in front of a car. i'm not suicidal and i don't contemplate death. but the temptation is always there, and always fierce.

i've been working on figuring out why i punish myself, too (usually with food). i don't know yet. i have some theories. good luck in your search.

3:52 PM  
Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

clearly, this impulse must be a sign of great intelligence.

4:59 PM  
Blogger Sis B said...

there is truly no other explanation, ubes.

(btw, i am currently having a major struggle with myself because i have no sweets in the house. and i have the ingredients for chocolate frosting... and i could go whip it up in 5 minutes... i shouldn't. i'm hoping my desire to be lazy wins out over my desire for chocolate...)

7:04 PM  
Blogger Egan said...

Thanks for sharing this personal story Ubie.

6:08 PM  
Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Standing on a bridge, at the edge, I thought, look, it would be so easy. Just two steps and .....

I don't think we're alone, I think this is humanity.

12:51 PM  

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