Friday, May 29, 2009

This Is Gonna Sound Terrible But I Don't Care

I am irrationally angry at all the braggarts on Facebook telling me how life is so wonderful for them and how everything is beautiful and how they're going to relax with a glass of wine now and how "naughty" they feel staying in their pajamas until 10 a.m. 10 A.M.! How madcap of them!

I can't fall asleep, and when I do, I wake up about every hour. I force myself out of bed every morning to get my daughter off to school. But it really doesn't matter, because it's not like I'm sleeping, anyways. I don't want to hear about how much energy you have, how you went for a jog this morning, and how much work you got done today, okay?

I know it's not YOUR fault, but I have 25 different things spinning in my head right now and they all terrify me. I can't even get started on anything because I am overwhelmed. It's not that I'm not feeding/dressing/caring for/ my children or cleaning up smelly garbage and dishes; I am doing those things. Don't call DCFS.

But I have waaaaaay more than day to day stuff I need to accomplish and I don't get to it. I don't file paperwork. I don't clean out the office. I don't get the stuff ready for a garage sale. I don't clear out the laundry room. I don't put all the crap away that's on the basement table. I don't take the broken glass painting to be fixed at the hardware store. I don't clean out the pantry. I haven't started packing. I haven't gone through the fall/winter clothes and either donated them or put them away for next year (although since it keeps dropping to 60 degrees around here) and I don't get the summer clothes out of the storage area beneath the stairs.

I am frozen with the enormity of it all. I know that's all my fault, but even when I cheer myself into thinking "I can do it! I'll start today!" I turn on the water for a shower and it never heats up and I have to call the repair guy. And then the imaging center and the surgery center keep calling me up and asking me about my oozing milk duct and telling me about ductograms (YES, I HAD ONE ALREADY! Thanks for making me relive it in glorious detail!) and what I have to do to prepare for surgery, and asking when did I think I was going to Austin??? But -- what about my follow-up? And telling me I might need to postpone going, when going to Austin is the one thing that's making me happy, and the closer it comes to actually happening, the more excrutiating the wait becomes -- and now you want to make it longer???

And speaking of that, I don't know how long we'll be down there. And don't forget to get the house ready for the renters! And after they leave, will we need to line up more? Sell the house? Or go back to us living up here, Rich living down there and only seeing him on weekends?

So please stop telling me how life is good. And how everything is working out for you JUST as you had planned. Don't tell me how organized and smoothly your life is running. Don't tell me how fabulous your life is. Please.

I know you think you're a "positive" person. But you're positively making me sick right now. Not everybody's life works the way you and Oprah seem to think it does -- just envision it, and take the steps necessary, and you can have what you want!

That is utter bullshit for 90 percent of the world. People have ADD, or depression, or anxiety, or schizophrenia, or their brains just don't work the way "normal" people's do. Or they have food allergies. Or they're black or gay or something "other" than the world thinks is "best." Or they have a muscular degenerative disease. Or cancer. Or can't conceive a baby. Or... fill in the blank.

I don't mind hearing about how someone's long hard struggle finally came to fruition. But I can't take hearing about the "perfect" lives of the "perfect" people right now. Tell it to your manicurist, which I'm sure you have.

But I'll tell you one thing I can do: I can order a goddamn motherfucking pizza. But I'm not going to brag about it. Because I know people who are allergic to dairy. Or have Celiac's disease. And they are not as lucky as me.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

seriously disturbing medical post

This post is about gross medical procedures, so if that kinda thing upsets you, don't read it.

I am finding it hard to sleep at night due to my upcoming surgery and its accompanying procedures.

Luckily, the earlier biopsy came up negative. After they punctured and bruised and tortured me. But that's okay.

Coming up on the 11th, they will give me another ductogram (battlestar galactogram, redux!) which entails them sticking a fishhook in my nipple at the site of the affected milk duct. Then they will insert a guidewire.

THEN they will put me under for the duct removal surgery. They have to biopsy that, too.

And what will the recovery period be like? I don't know. I'll have 2 days before I get in the car for our trip down to Austin. I hope I get the results quickly.

This is weighing on my mind more than I'd like to admit. It's not like I'm consciously thinking about it, but it's sitting back there. Kinda like when you have a program running in the background on your computer, and it's spinning and spinning away, slowing down your other processes.

I need to keep calm.