Saturday, March 10, 2007

I like periodic bouts of solitude.

I'm not Emily Dickinson, but I can empathize.

I've decided I hate cell phones. I think they should only be able to dial 911 and tow trucks. Is there nowhere to hide from people?

Yes, I can turn it off. I often do. Or just not bring it with me. I do that, too.

But for a few hours at least, I need to be left the fuck alone today, to recharge my batteries. Because for the past week, I've either been with the girlies or shopping. Shopping, where people ask you if you need help and look at you and try to engage you in conversation. NO! Silence! Do not try to talk to me! I want to live in the secret world in my head, the one where I have magical powers and I am relentlessly sexy yet aloof and fight evil! I live by myself and have a beautiful sparse apartment where I can enter my fortress of solitude!

I'll be okay after a few hours alone in my private world. If the cat doesn't try to sit on my lap or ask for food or otherwise intrude upon my thoughts. Begone, Muffin! Unless I need a sidekick for my crime fighting adventures. Then, you have to wear a cape and learn to talk.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Did I mention my mom's insane? I did? Oh.

So my mom is still going on and on about the picture. She's also micro-hyper-focused on Elder's Easter dress, Younger's birthday, and Strawberry Shortcake. She's also been overly consumed with children's raincoats, but that subsided a bit when she found some decent ones at KMart.

People make fun of KMart, but it carries a lot of the classic items that other stores shun. And it's still better than WalMart.

I took too much Nyquil last night. Not an over-dose, just too much for me. I can only take a sip or I wake up groggy the next morning. I think I took more of a gulp last night. Coffee. Must... find... coffee...

Dilf gets home early tomorrow morning from San Francisco. I used to think I wanted an exciting glamorous life. A jet-setting life. A life "better" than my childhood.

Now I want to return to my childhood, and bury my face is its soft familiarity. I want a routine I can count on. I want monotony. To me, the ultimate pleasure right now is a bed with fresh sheets, soft pajamas that aren't too warm nor too breezy, my face scrubbed and teeth brushed, and I climb into bed and sleep and sleep and sleep without interruptions. No children coughing up mucous onto their pillows in the middle of the night. No cat wailing to go out at 2:30 a.m. Nothing but pure, pure sleeping pleasure.

Of course, it could just be the Nyquil talking. Coffee... must... find... coffee.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

dark mutterings

Yeah, I'm back. Don't expect coherent statements or anything.

I've decided to post here the mistakes I make everyday, the mistakes that normal people barely notice. But due to the anxiety past down to me through the generations, they plague me until I rid myself of them. So I'm ridding myself of them.

I forgot to put on lotion for the second day in a row. Not on my face; I remembered that. Don't want skin cancer or wrinkles! No, I'm talking about on my body. Since Target didn't have that Aveeno oil that I put on IN the shower, which I always remembered, I have to put lotion on before I get dressed. But I always want to get dressed IMMEDIATELY after showering, because I am cold. So, no lotion today.

I only partially unloaded the dishwasher, and now Younger is going to come home at any second. Will I finish it? I don't know.

I didn't start a load of laundry, or fold the clean stuff.

I didn't straighten up the bathroom.

I think my period should be due. When was it last? I don't know. I have to check. Since Dilf was de-seeded (in theory), I don't look anymore. But what if...? I should really check.

My mom and eldest sister are still in major anxiety mode over my brother, but of course they don't want to deal with that directly (too painful!) they focus like a laser on other things. Like taking a picture of all the kids together in their St. Patrick's Day outfits. When are we going to do it? Did you talk to Dilf? What time does he want to do it? Where should we take it? That, and calling me up at 7:30 a.m. to remind me to dress Elder warmly for school because it was cold out.

Geez, thanks, Mom. I WAS going to break out the summer gear, snow on the ground be damned, but, hey, thanks for reminding me.

What if I am pregnant? I've been taking a lot of meds for colds and such. Perhaps this is all nothing, as it always is.

Younger is upstairs screaming for hot cocoa.